You told an entertaining story using your own unique writing style. I enjoyed reading your paper and could really picture the scenes, which you described very well.
To improve your paper, let’s look at when words should be formal in academic writing, and when they can be informal. Look at the words I put a square around, and try to think of a more formal version of each word. For example, if I say “I’m gonna talk about…” is there another way to say “gonna” that sounds more “academic?” Here’s a chart you can use:
Informal Words Formal words that mean the same thing
I’m gonna I’m going to
We did hella things… We did _______ things…
Also, look at your use of the word thing. Look at where I circled thing in your paper, and try to find a more specific word that actually tells your reader what each thing is.
You are off to a great start, and I’m looking forward to reading your revised draft!
This writer seems comfortable putting words on paper, but needs a little help with more academic language. I think the trick is to find a way to teach him some more formal vocabulary, with causing him to feel blocked by having to write more academically.
I enjoyed reading your essay. Your opinion is very clear, and you included some good examples. To improve this paper:
1. Create a reverse outline. (An example of a reverse outline is attached, and we’ll work on doing this with your papers this week in class). A reverse outline will help you organize your paper, and find out if you have a main idea in each paragraph.
2. Put a circle around each punctuation mark (commas and periods). Decide if you want to keep the punctuation mark the same, or change it to something else. See my notes in the margins with hints.
I’m a little stuck on this one; there are a lot of sentence-level, word order and organizational issues, but not a lot of obvious patterns.